You’ve Got SMS

Cellphone calls are ridiculously expensive in Burkina Faso. There are three providers and I’m not aware of any that offer an American-style plan. One buys recharge cards and depending whether you are calling landlines, within network or between networks, calls can cost anywhere from 150 – 400 CFA per minute. That translates to $0.31 – 0.83 per minute, which may not seem ludicrous, except when you recall that I make $7.30 per day, and I’m considered inordinately wealthy according to local standards. So, those who are literate (a group that includes nearly all Peace Corps Volunteers) choose to text. I think it also helps that the vast majority of volunteers here are young-un’s, and we all know how much generation W loves to text.

Here’s a sampling of some of my favorite text messages, with identifying details removed to protect the innocent:

4/9/09 8:42 PM: “I would kill to play Scrab. I somehow spent 3 hours in a trance like state peeling off the ‘guaranteed wax’ sticker from a pagna. No exaggeration.”

5/10/09 7:38 PM: “Where did u get ur info that ***** is really religious? We need to know b.c **** only wants 2 bl** him if he is.”

8/1/09 2:41 PM: “You could also use 1 extra liter of shea and 2 of palm oil. Also, I made out with ****’s counterpart.”

8/20/09 8:46 PM: “I hate no one except my peuhl crush’s husband. Lets go to that weekend bar Atlantic.”

8/21/09 6:32 PM: (in response to my text letting this person know that we got our quarterly allowance from Peace Corps) “Holy sh**! We have money! I guess I can relax a little and stop eating plain rice with vitamins for dinner.”

8/30/09 10:52 AM: “Oh my gosh ***’s courtyard is out of control yest there were bird having sex and today it’s a bird threesome!”

9/3/09 4:47 PM: “You’re right I can’t say no. My site mate wants to be running buddies and I don’t but I just keep making excuses instead of saying no. I need tony robbins’ help.”

9/7/09 12:31 PM: “(Cyber café) is supposed to be back up and running this week. I hope its true. I haven’t read about hillary clinton in over a week. What’s she doing? I don’t know! Ah!”

9/7/09 8:15 PM: “Yes. I just pricked my own eyes with needles in a fit of jealousy. My neighbor is writing this text for me because I can’t see.”

9/9/09 6:30 PM: “What? Is she even still alive? All I’m saying is if ur gonna try 2 sex on a bike the best bet is fixed. And fixed boys R always in2 their emotions & skinny jeans.”

10/22/09 8:14 AM: “once I tried dressing up like a british nanny to infiltrate my ex wife’s house and ended up burning my fake boobs on the stove. So now I stick to angry emails.”

10/22/09 2:03 PM: “Oh I didn’t know msc was gonna be that kind of conference. I can’t wait to creepily watch other people make out again.”

10/28/09 5:07 PM: (after being sideswiped by a truck) “got in bike accident and hurt my foot. Going to bureau”

12/09/09 8:54 PM: “Hi. São Luis, Maranhão.”

12/12/09 6:53 PM: “yesterday mike told me I could get kazoos at the boutique next to the ‘woso muso’.”

12/19/09 10:37 PM (during Hanukkah celebration): “a big shalom of l’chaim! to everyone. Don’t outside ***** w ur jewish history trivia.”

1/5/10 2:19 PM: “Sadly his enthusiasm for our love has completely turned me off. How does one properly backpedal?”

1/21/10 12:22 PM: “Was picking my nose so noticibly/deep that a burkinabé just gave me a lotus. What have I become?”

1/22/10 6:14 PM: “Forgot to thank u for getting me off that moto last night. Im an idiot.”

1/28/10 10:30 AM: “Been sitting arnd waiting 4 what usually ends up being a faux RDV. All talk here. Very little walk.”

2/1/10 7:42 PM: “Also, confucius says, the gentleman is not a utensil. Think about it.”

2/2/10 5:56 PM: “Dangit! How did you find this out? You should be an investigative reporter like hank philippi ryan.”

2/4/10 5:50 PM: “I enjoy the image of u standing on the road of oro just txting. That’s all. Please do let bike dude w no legs knw im single & at the ready.”

2/18/10 6:31 PM: “was that a beep or a call? Was out running. Think im going to die. Its too hot for humans here. Baah!”

3/2/09 2:37 PM: “also will there b karaoke at cos parT? I’d like to sing mika’s ‘grace kelly’ I think it ‘ll improve my odds of fetching 100 mille at the auction.”

3/5/09 3:36 PM: “I’m at a lunch with over 60 fonctionnaires. ***** (village counterpart) put on cologne 12 sprays and put charcoal on his face to cover a blemish on his face. Help me”